Archive for July, 2011

You know you are a bodybuilder when…


People ask you what day it is, and you reply with a muscle group.

Your look like a Shetland pony because you can’t afford a haircut, but there’s always money for whey and fish oil.

You get kidnapped by aliens, and your first concern is what is the gym on the space ship is like.

You don’t go to the gym for two days in a row, and the staff ring up to ask if you are sick.

Your monthly supplement bill is more than your mortgage.

You find rib steak reduced to half price, and get more excited than normal women do about a shoe sale.

You snigger when anyone says “Weight Watchers”.

You love deadlifts. And everyone else in the gym stops to watch you do them.

You can tell the weight of any piece of food just by looking at it.

You have protein stashed everywhere you go. You never know when you will need it.

You rip the shoulders out of every blouse you try on.

Your children argue with their teacher about the food pyramid.

Someone says BF, and you don’t think Boyfriend, you think Body Fat.

Every time you pass a mirror, you can’t resist checking out your abs.

You judge a gym on how many squat racks and power cages it has. And how heavy the dumbbells are. Sauna? What’s that?

You carry tins of tuna in your briefcase.

When someone says “six pack”, you think abs, not beer.

You know people who don’t squat are fooling themselves.

You want to kill the person doing biceps curls in the power rack.

You don’t speak a word of the language of the country you are visiting, but you can still read all the nutritional panels.

You can work out what the food is, just from looking at the nutritional panel.

You know that the Klingon for “No added sugar” is “More meat”

You’re proud of the fact that you puked at the gym.

You know how to use ketostix.

You work out the calorie burn in a bout of vigorous sex.

You laugh at people who use Muscle-tech.

Everyone calls you when they want something heavy lifted.

The local teenagers run when they see you coming. And you’re a girl.

You bring your own food to family events. Hey, they can’t seriously expect you to eat garlic bread and chocolate biscuits.

You can’t walk down the steps of the gym after leg day.

You switch hands when brushing your teeth so you

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don’t get unbalanced.






Top ten ways to get off a planet when you have no transport.

Top 10 ways to get off a planet when you have no transport

  • Hide in a child’s bedroom and make a telephone (ET)
  • Stowaway on a planet destroyer (Ford Prefect in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the the Universe)
  • Burn up all your shuttle’s fuel in the hope that you will be seen (Mr Spock in Star Trek)
  • Hang out where UFOs are seen (Cytolene in Don’t feed the Faries)
  • Find a lost alien child (Cytolene in Don’t feed the Faries)
  • Willpower (The Green Lantern)
  • Make a spaceship with some junk (Dr Who)
  • Make a spaceship our of food and string (Professor YAMA)
  • Become President of USA and tell the world we’ll do it in 10 years (J F Kennedy)
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